November 27, 2006
Turkey Carves Man
In an exciting twist of events, a local man found himself on the wrong end of the carving knife Thanksgiving Day. His family insists that a snafu with the electric carver caused the man to seek medical attention. The hospital treated the man for extensive injuries around the face and neck before releasing him.
“The knife hit the bone and kicked back into Bob’s face,” a relative stated to the local news. “Kind of like a chainsaw hitting a knot in the wood.”
When questioned how a one-sided blade could fly up and damage the wounded man, the family had no further comment. As anyone who has used an electric knife knows, the serrated blade faces away from the carver to prevent such an injury. A chainsaw, with its looping teeth and chain, has no such built in protection.
However, an eyewitness told this reporter that the deep fried carcass stood up on his drumsticks and kicked the buzzing device into the man’s face. The witness wishes to remain anonymous in deference to the family and possible further persecution to her winged race. Only adding, "I thought humans were supposed to be smarter than that."
The Chronicle is dedicated to the safety and welfare of all of its readers and will keep the public informed of any other life-threatening situations.
October 27, 2006
Halloween Retort
In our local small town paper, a pastor denounced the celebration of Halloween or Fall Festivals as an abomination. The following is my response. He particularly pissed me off with his insistence that witches worshipped satan and that druids practiced human sacrifice. What do they call hanging a guy on a piece of wood? Eat of my flesh, drink of my blood . . . cannibalism and vampirism? Ugh.
To the Editor:
I completely agree with Pastor Hickson’s urging that Christians cease to celebrate Halloween. As I am most likely the county’s only pagan, I’d like my holiday back. I’m tired of handing out mini-Snickers and Reese’s cups to little kids who come panhandling dressed as football players, fairy princesses, and Wolverine. It makes a mockery of what the Druid beliefs stand for: long beards and white robes.
For the last few years, if Halloween is on a weekday, then the trick or treating is on the Saturday before. So its not like the day of Halloween itself is revered or celebrated, just the nearest convenient weekend. So I propose we change the celebration of Halloween or the Fall Festivities to the last Saturday of the month leaving Halloween for the true believers. In fact let’s rename it to Costume and Candy Day to keep with alliteration (Trick or Treat to be banned.) In addition, could Devil’s Night (Oct 30) get moved to sometime in August as we are lacking a holiday in that month?
As for the Biblical references, Christians, listen to this wise man and stop celebrating a holiday that has nothing to do with your God. Stop celebrating Christmas as well since it is the Winter Solstice festival taken from pagan ritual with the addition of the baby Jesus because New Years festivals had a baby in them symbolizing rebirth. In addition, Easter is our spring festival where the rabbits are for reproduction and eggs are for fertility. And nobody wants outsiders teaching their kids about sex.
So Christians, please quit using our most important holidays to celebrate the life and death of a person so important to your religion. Find your own special days to get together with friends and families to honor Christ. And keep in mind, Saturdays are better for sending your kids to beg for candy dressed as cartoon characters because you don’t have to worry about them making themselves sick on treats, egging cars, and cleaning up toilet paper. You have a whole other weekend day to deal with that!
And to the Satanists, the holiday was ours before your dark lord decided to co-opt it and call it Black Sabbath, so back off! Rumble at midnight in the cemetery! Our peaceful group is going to kick some satanic a-- oh, sorry. Forgot this is a family paper.
- Nikki Vigil
